Following the first (and second) GOP primary debate(s) in Cleveland, here is our first installment of the Debate Awards. Due to the volume of candidates, not all nominees were able to receive an award. This is not intramural middle school soccer. Sorry, moms and dads! Not all of your children are superstars.
If Archie Bunker Had A Gold Plated Lay-Z-Boy Award: Donald Trump
Elmer Gantry Sanctimony Award (shared): Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee
Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner Award: Rand Paul
Christine Todd Whitman “It’s My Party Too” Award: John Kasich
Randy Newman/Momma Told Me Not To Come Award: Jeb Bush
Norman Vincent Peale Power of Positive Thinking Award: Marco Rubio
Fair-Weather Fan Award (a/k/a I Chose Bon Jovi Because The Boss Was Playing Jon Stewart Out): Chris Christie
Orphan Black/Ronald Reagan’s 7 Previously Unknown Grandchildren Award: Scott Walker
Gory Abortion Imagery Wins Elections! Award: Rick Santorum
Rudy Giuliani-Joe Biden Noun-Verb and 9/11 Award: George Pataki
Carpathian Kitten Loss Award: Lindsey Graham
Running Like It’s 1979/Thatcher and Carter and Reagan, Oh My! Award: Carly Florina
Captain of the JV Cheerleading Team: Rick Perry
You’re Getting Verrry Sleepy Award: Dr. Ben Carson
Admiral Stockdale Memorial Award (shared): Jim Gilmore, Bobby Jindal, Others Already Fading From Memory.